应对失望的一大方法 | 今日心理学

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应对失望的一大方法 | 今日心理学

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CAREER

One Big Way to Deal with Disappointment

There's something you need to give yourself before reaching any conclusions.

The mathematical formula for disappointment is pretty straightforward. It's essentially expectations minus reality equals disappointment. Whenever what happens in real life doesn't meet what you were expecting, the difference is disappointment. For example, if you were assuming that you'd meet the love of your life the first day that you were on Tinder, chances are you suffered major disappointment. If, on the other hand, you were hoping to find a man with a photo of himself shirtless while carrying a fish in his hand, then you probably weren't disappointed.

Disappointment is part of life because each given day rarely turns out exactly how you wanted it. Some days it may turn out better. But many days, things can turn out worse. After all, believe it or not, the world doesn't revolve around you. Therefore, each day it's common to face a lot of microdisappointments along with some megadisappointments here and there.

A smaller disappointment such as receiving a fruitcake as a holiday gift when you expected basically anything else may dissipate readily in a bit of time. But how about a bigger disappointment?

Deborah Heiser, Ph.D., an applied developmental psychologist specializing in midlife and aging and founder/CEO of The Mentor Project, once emphasized that when you feel disappointed about something, you shouldn't assume that the story is already over. Instead, ask yourself, "Is this really the end of the story?" Where does this disappointing event fall in the big picture, the big story of things?

Unless "The End" has appeared and the credits have started rolling, you could still be in Chapter 7 of the ten or twenty or maybe even hundred chapters that make up the entire story. Heck, you could be just in the very first scene of an epically long story line. So it may be quite premature to be disappointed about an outcome without knowing where it's ultimately going to lead you. This is a big-picture realization.

For example, say you didn't get that job or promotion that you wanted. Sure, it's natural to be disappointed. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you will never ever get that job or promotion as future opportunities arise, especially if you work on improving yourself. The timing may not be right either. Alternatively, that failure may make you realize that the job you were seeking or currently hold isn't even the right fit for you. That disappointment could be the catalyst for you to seek a different, better-matching job.

The same applies to personal disappointment. Say your first meeting with someone goes poorly. It doesn't necessarily mean the end of the line with that person. Not everybody can be on their A-game all the time. On a given day or even week or month, people can be on their C-game, D-game, or even their WTF-game.

Also, unless you are one of those extremely lucky people to meet the love of your life once puberty hits, you'll likely experience many romantic disappointments. This was basically the story line of the TV series How I Met Your Mother, where the main character, Ted, had to endure a whole range of failed dates and relationships to learn over time what he needed to learn to finally find the person who became his kids' mother.

Even major health-related disappointments, such as a test result or diagnosis that you did not want, can actually be chapters in a longer story. The key, then, is to get through those chapters. In the long run, such chapters could be major turning points in your life, where the shock of a health-related concern opens your eyes to making major positive changes in your life.

If every disappointment in life were truly "The End" of the story, then you wouldn't have made it past potty training. Recall how devastating so many of your elementary school, middle school, high school, and college experiences seemed at the time. How many of these are you still lamenting years later? How many times have you seen a photo of a prior crush or an ex and wondered how the heck you were even interested in that person?

Therefore, when you feel disappointed, try giving yourself one big thing that rhymes with the word rhyme: time. Without giving the story line more time to play out, you don't know so soon whether that disappointing event is going to end up being bad or good. What at first may feel like the worst thing in the world might ultimately morph into a great learning experience, a turning point in your life, or a massive wake-up call. For example, one of the best things to happen in my career was when a very senior guy vowed to destroy my career because I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do. It made me fully realize that I could stick up for myself and motivated me to pivot to a better path.

Similarly, what initially appears to be a good thing could, over time, prove to be bad. For example, I've stayed in friendships and relationships far too long because they seemed comfortable at the time. It took disappointment to get me to move on from them.

Remember too, you are not simply an observer in the story. You can do things to turn around a plot. You don't need permission from a director to ad lib. You can still add fruit to your fruitcake of life. None of us really knows where we are in the stories of our lives. And every next minute, hour, and day, the stories will continue to unfold with the opportunity for you to add new plot twists. Who knows? What could be today's disappointment could turn out to be tomorrow's greatest success. You've just got to think big and give it some time.

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应对失望的一大方法 | 今日心理学

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